The thing I thought I needed to hide is that I failed the department exit exam at the end of my Master of Communication Sciences and Disorders program.
There it is. I said it.
April 2012, before I sat for the Praxis, I took the cumulative department exam along with my entire cohort. By the middle of that month, I received notice that I had earned a score of 65 percent and would not be graduating in May.
The woman who was older than everyone in her class and had hosted most of the study groups at her house did not pass. The woman who had received high honors on every single clinical rotation did not pass. I would not be walking across the stage. I would not be in the graduation photos. I would not be the person my children got to watch in a cap and gown next month, even though there was a countdown calendar on the refrigerator dedicated entirely to that moment.
Devastation is not a strong enough word.
And Then It Got Harder
Two weeks after I learned I had not passed Hampton University's exit exam, I was already scheduled to sit for the Praxis. Let that sink in for a second. If I had not demonstrated proficiency on my own department's exam, how on earth was I supposed to pass the national one?
I took time to cry. Genuinely cry. I cried in my car on the way to meet my Praxis study partner, upholding a commitment I had made to myself to keep going. I had a conversation with my children where I explained that we would celebrate this accomplishment at some point, just not right now, and watching their faces during that conversation is something I still carry.
As the weeks passed, I cried less and studied more. The bridge to my future was not going to be found by sitting in the past of the failed test.
What Nobody Told Me About Graduate School
At ASHA conventions and NBASLH conferences, when people stop by the Speech Dreamers booth and we really start talking, I hear versions of this story all the time. The professor who made it clear they had earned their credentials and were not exactly going out of their way to help you earn yours. The clinical rotation placements that felt like a competition nobody told you you were in. The cohort dynamics that left you feeling like an outsider even while you were supposed to be building a professional community. The impossible math of working and going to school and parenting and somehow still keeping up.
Most of these experiences get carried in silence. They get labeled as personal failure when they are actually structural difficulty. And the shame of them stays with people for years.
I was ashamed that I did not pass the exam. I was embarrassed to tell my classmates, my friends, and my family. That shame is real. I am not dismissing it. I am telling you it does not have to be the final word on your story.
How the Story Ends
You are reading a blog post written by a CCC-SLP who passed the Praxis in early May of 2012. You are reading words written by a CCC-SLP who passed the department exam with a 90 percent in August of 2012. You are reading words written by a CCC-SLP who took a celebratory family trip to Hawaii when she finally received her Master of Arts degree in Communication Sciences and Disorders that fall, thanks to her sweet mom.
The shame did not win. The fear did not win. The delayed countdown calendar eventually got to ring.
What I Hope You Take From This
Your struggles during graduate school are not evidence that you do not belong in this field. They are evidence that you are doing something genuinely hard, and you kept going anyway.
The things we hide are often the things most worth sharing. When we say them out loud, they lose their hold on us. Sometimes they become exactly what someone else needed to hear to keep going.
My daughter was six and a half years old when she sat on the floor of our home and cut out laminated visual cue cards for my first clinical rotation. She had no idea what those little cards would be used for. She just knew that I was working toward something big with her help. Our kids watch every time we stumble and make the choice to get back up.
Keep going, friend. Keep going.
